Our Fucking Mission
You better believe the douches in senior management dug deep to come up with this crap. They probably spent 2 god damned weeks sitting in front of a white board giving each other god damned hand jobs to condense this dumbass company's mission into six sentences of meaningless buzzwords and empty phraseology. I bet they added some cute quip at the god damned end of it, too, to make it seem personal. What utter bastards.
Social Fucking Media Bullshit
Because god knows what you want to check up while you're stalking your exes on facebook is this stupid company. Wanna know how many "likes" this page has? The exact same god damned number of people as work here, plus maybe our god damned spouses and children if they think it'll help retain their benefits.
Still, we better post a status update every Thursday about the new sale we're having a blast getting ready for the next company fucking picnic, or the CEO is going to take a break from sailing his god damned yacht to place an irate call to some other idiot who's then going to have to fire three people.
Because social media matters, motherfuckers. It's where business happens.
A Third Goddamned Header
Because we saw three buckets of shit content on our competitor's front page and we're god damned if we're only gonna have two.
Odds are we think we're going to rotate in useful information in this slot, and provide fast fucking access to our really premium fucking content. Because man did they say "content" a lot while they were meeting about the website. One guy even said "content is king". Which is a weird phrase to hear uttered in a democracy, or oligarchy, or whatever the hell this is. It's been a long god damned time since college, that's for sure.
Remember college? When you still believed in shit? Fuck.